AUGUST 16, 1996 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

BIG TIPS

Is it really so wrong for a girl to act on her libido?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Well, slap my fanny and call me a convert: I've seen the light, and my new god is... Novocain. Due to a pretty tenacious fear of hypodermic needles, I've developed the longstanding personal motto, “Nothing extraneous that's subcutaneous" (read: don't be jabbing the dermis).

Simultaneously, however, I try to be an active consumer of health care, so when my dentist told me I was in for the Festival of Root Canals, I reminded him I'd had all my dental work done sans painkillers, and that I'd happily take this in stride too.

In a scene reminiscent of Bones' more dramatic interventions with Kirk, and a mere "Don't be crazy, man," he took my jaw firmly in hand and shot me up. In a mere 20 minutes, I understood why major surgery has become so much more popular than it was during the Civil War. He could have packed my right lung with silver, and I would have cheerfully drooled my way over to the payment desk. A lesson learned, but what? Perhaps that in this world where the gray areas rapidly consume what once appeared to be black or white, again, no does not always

mean no.

Dear Big Tipper:

I'm an 18 year old girl who, unlike many of my friends, takes sex pretty lightly. I've never had a problem fooling around with acquaintances, and have had several purely sexual relationships. My friends all think that I am "easy" because I am honest about the fact that I both enjoy sex and have it often. I recently had sex again with an ex-girlfriend of several months, which apparently gave my other friends cause to label me a slut. One of my friends even told someone I'd never met that I'd probably have sex with her the girl I hadn't met) if she asked.

Granted, I talk about sex quite often and have a rather high sex drive, but I'm in no way indiscriminate about who I “do.” In my opinion, if I were a straight male, I could have just about as much sex as I wanted with as many people as I pleased and no one would think twice about it. I'm basically a joke to my friends who tell me that I'm way too "horny." Yes, I like sex: in fact, I really do like it. My question is: Is it wrong for an 18-year-old girl to have a libido and to act on it? It's certainly not so for guys. Please shed some light on this confusing societal double standard. (Does it get better as an adult?) Love It

Dear Tell Them to Shove It:

No, it doesn't get much better when you're an adult. Unfortunately, most people are caught up in a mish-mosh of feelings about sex: confusion over whether they want it too much or not enough, glee or frustration over who they get to have it with, fear of whether

or not they're doing it "right" with the right person, and jealously over who else is having it with whom. People who are scared and confused can turn on someone who is open about their feelings and activities.

Yes, it's sexist: Boys are expected to be the bearers of experience and girls the wideeyed ingenues. That stereotype compounds for queers, automatically turning two men together into rutting animals (not that that's a bad thing), and two women into virginal companions. Yeah. You're probably heading for a healthy sexual adulthood if you're having sex with whom you want, when you want, and taking care of your physical and mental safety along the way.

You may, however, want to choose to share your thoughts about what's going on with friends who aren't going to spread rumors about you. Some of them apparently aren't ready for honest conversation. Take care, okay?

Dear Big Tipper:

My life is a mess. Actually, emotionally I'm doing pretty well, but my house needs more therapy than my HMO covers. I'm not really dirty, but I can't keep on top of the constant flow of paper and mail and I have to find clean clothes under piles of dirty ones, but who can tell the difference, since I can't find time to fold the clean ones.

That's a big part of the problem, I just can't find anything. My CDs and tapes are in the wrong cases if they're in a case at all, and I can't find a clean fork at dinnertime. Ten years ago, I just felt like a typical "guy" who left his stuff around, but now my friends are installing closet organizing systems for their lovers and wives, and I still have my paid and unpaid bills in a grocery bag.

Fortunately I live alone, and my boyfriends have been pretty tolerant; more amused than disgusted. I suppose it's up to some brave soul to defy the stereotype of the immaculate gay man, but I think I'm performing above and beyond the call of duty. Basically, it's gotten to the point that my home is making me more and more anxious each day as the mysterious piles grow and recognizable possessions slowly disappear under them. This job is too big. I can't just "clean up. "I've tried. Do I have to move and start over again? Any ideas?

Dear Out From Under:

Buried Alive

Hey, you have your bills in a bag. That means you're capable of setting up and maintaining a system. That's probably what you need to set up: a few forgiving systems you can live with. Here are some ideas for specific problems you've mentioned.

1. Pick a few problem areas that are particularly tortuous to you, and just work on them. It's too overwhelming to try to do it all

at once.

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2. Before you clean or set up any systems, get rid of everything you can stand to get rid of. Invite different friends over to keep you company while you attack each section. Order a pizza, feed them to reward their patience, and make them tell you thumbs up or down on every single piece of clothing. Match up CDs and tapes with their cases, and purge the barkers. Bring all those books, mugs, tapes and clothing to a shelter or thrift store. Bask in what already appears to be a less cluttered home. Make your friend take the pizza box out to the trash.

3. Although it galls me to say it, if you're never going to fold your clean wash, just acknowledge that and plan around it. Get a dresser with deep drawers, or several storage bins under your bed. or whatever, and just sort the clean stuff into shirts, socks and undies, pants, and everything else. Clean stuff stays clean, and it's no more wrinkly than before. Get a huge laundry bag, and hang it someplace easy to get to. Put your

dirty clothing in there. I mean it.

4. Make your bed. Doesn't that look nice? 5. Steel yourself for a big job. go into the kitchen, wipe out the drawers and shelves, wash all of the dishes and put them away (dry). Now go out and buy a 400-pack of paper plates and paper cups, and save the ceramic for guests. At least paper biodegrades, and your silverware won't be so scary to wash if it's the only thing in the sink. Thank our mother the earth for her gifts to us, and promise yourself you'll recycle more diligently.

As long as your bills are getting paid somehow, that's probably enough for now. Hop to it, and write back when you're ready for some new assignments. Good luck!

Send your questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

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